A Year of Firsts

Someone told me that the first year after the loss of a spouse is a series of “firsts.”  First Christmas without your loved one, first birthday, and so on.  Valentines’ Day would be near the top of that list, since it’s the holiday that celebrates love and relationships. 

Paying Attention

One of the most important things Jim taught his sons about successful relationships was “pay attention to what she likes.”  So for Valentines’ Day, I never got that big, bright red heart-shaped box all decked out in ribbons and lace, because that is not what I really liked.  Store-bought manufactured chocolates don’t qualify as “real chocolate” in my opinion.  The best chocolates are crafted with dedication and love.  Every year, I looked forward to a small, plain white box of handmade truffles that Jim had personally selected from the shop that made our wedding cake. That said “love” to me in a way that a big red heart never could.

It's All About the Laughter

Jim wasn't one for the grand gesture, but he always could make me laugh.  One year he excitedly presented me with jewelry-type box.  I opened it and found a small plastic soldier that had been painted turquoise.  "It's an aqua marine!" he said. Aquamarine was our son's birthstone. Later on, I got the real thing, but that silly plastic soldier is the gift I remember most.

 

No one will ever make me laugh like that, but that doesn’t mean I won’t laugh again.  When you are grieving, you are also surrounded by people who want to help, but aren’t sure what to do.  The best thing you can do for yourself, and for them, is to ask for what you need. 

New "Firsts"

Recently I asked for a Girl’s Movie Night with some dear friends.  We watched “Trainwreck” and howled at Amy Schumer’s raunchy humor.  Another weekend, I joined another group of friends for a quilting retreat.  Being surrounded by colorful fabrics and beautiful projects and loving support took most of the loneliness away.  I also knew that I could just go and sit quietly by myself if I needed to.  

Navigating the landmines of memory in the first year means creating new memories – different ones that are filled with love and laughter.  Love comes in many forms, and it is waiting for us to reach out and claim it. If you are struggling with a holiday, ask yourself “how can  I make this one special in a different way?” 

Life [and death] is what happens when you are busy making other plans

This rephrasing of John Lennon's famous quote summarizes what has happened in my life since I last posted here. You, my friends, already know this, but I wanted to share with you a little of what I've learned from my experience.

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It was a quiet summer Sunday afternoon.  Having read the Sunday paper, I was watching a golf tournament on TV and actually dozed off for a few minutes.  I woke up to Scout, our 10-year-old Labradoodle, woofing to go out.  I let him out and then, a few minutes later, checked on him because my husband Jim was working in the yard and I knew he'd left the gate open.  I looked out in the yard for Jim, and saw him lying face down near the pickup truck. My first thought was "oh, he's working on the sprinkler lines." Instantaneously came another thought and the first clue that my life was about change forever. "There aren't any sprinkler lines there. This is VERY bad!"  I grabbed my cell phone and ran to where he lay.

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Every person who is in a long-term relationship knows at some level of awareness that one of the two partners will outlive the other.  Jim and I were married for 26 years and expected to spend at least 20 more together.  We had retirement plans, dreams of living in the Colorado foothills near our grandchildren, visions of an active and happy old age together. But in a heartbeat, all those plans became meaningless. 

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I rolled Jim over, trying to start CPR, calling his name, slapping his face lightly, begging him to respond.  He didn’t look like himself because there was no life, no joy, no love in his face.  I could feel the door of our life together closing. I was shaking too hard to dial my cell phone, so I screamed for help and neighbors rushed into our yard. Pulling me away, they started CPR and called 911. It all felt like an out-of-body experience. I was watching this calmly but with a feeling of dread, knowing that, after this, nothing would ever be the same. In that moment, I felt hollow inside, having no sense of who I was or what would happen next. I was disconnected from the person I had been, and empty of the person I would become.

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In  the days that followed Jim’s death, I began to move from numbness to feeling. One of my strongest feelings was fear. I was terrified -- of our finances, of Jim's unfinished work as a builder and general contractor, of being alone. Grief counselor and writer, Christina Rasmussen, speaks of the fear associated with loss: "After loss, we perceive the entire world as dangerous because the amygdala [part of the brain that process sensory input] instantly compares new experiences with this trauma and what it means in your life." I felt like I had landed in a minefield with no clear path to safety. Besides the fear of all the knowns in my life, I was terrified of the unknown. If my life could change this quickly and unexpectedly, what other changes might be lurking ahead of me?

I have learned that this fear can be managed, that taking small steps and risks will re-train my protective neural patterns to trust life again. I also have learned from Christina's book that the life I have now is a preparation for the life I am constructing out of the remnants of the past.  This new life will unfold as I walk forward, taking gradual steps, simple but sustainable steps, on the path before me, the path to my future.

 

The Christmas Quandary

For years, I've made Christmas gifts for my friends.  It started in college with some of those very ‘70s macramé hanging candleholders and continued when I was single and had more time than money. It became a habit. 

 

 I'm a little ambivalent about this, because I had a grandmother who made some very nice, useful gifts and some pretty awful ones, (yes, I’m talking about you, macaroni-covered box).  Every year, it was a crapshoot as to what was in the package wrapped in her signature style of mismatched pieces of re-used paper and ribbon.

 I try to stay mainstream with my crafty gifting, mostly making quilts or knitted accessories, and my friends always seem pleased.  Rule one, no macramé or crocheted teacup planters. Pinterest has made all this seem more normal. I mean, if a couple million or so people are making wine-cork baskets and ornaments and who knows what else, it must be cool, right? 

This year, being very busy with work, I decided to give myself a pass and just buy all my gifts.  Lately, my crafting time has become compressed to a week between finals and Christmas, and the cursing coming from my sewing room has been noticed by other family members as being less than festive.

However, I'm really not a shopper.  I generally plan one trip to a couple of 'independent stores that I really like, and then retire to a stack of catalogs, my laptop, and a nice toddy to complete my shopping and let UPS/Fedex do the leg work.

 

That worked well this year, much less stress, but I found that once the shopping was out of the way, I missed the planning and creativity of making gifts.  So I thought to myself, ”maybe just a few, small handmade gifts." 

These seemed to exactly fit that description:  festive, holiday-themed pot holders.  Very fun to make, used up scraps of fabric I (mostly) already had, and could be combined with other things I had on hand, like holiday-themed kitchen utensils, in a basket. Who doesn’t need new potholders?  Not me, that’s for sure.

 I liked the way the Christmas potholders had a little hand-pocket, so I adapted that idea to some plain rectangular ones.  This is a fun way to try out different quilt block designs. 

 

This year, I'm going to focus on small projects that can be finished quickly--instant gratification and I can use up a lot of the fabric I have in my stash.  In the meantime, I still have one large project that is almost finished.  I'll post that when I'm done. 

When life gives you green tomatoes, make....

…chutney.  This is a recipe from the You Grow Girl blog.  I followed it faithfully, but the recipe came from a Canadian blogger and I think she has a different idea what constitutes a normal-sized apple. The recipe called for three.  I used Newtons and they were probably 4-5inches in diameter. The recipe made about 6 cups instead of 4.  I chickened out and only added ½ a jalapeño so it wasn’t all that spicy although I added about a tsp. of allspice.  It’s good but I would only use 2 apples next time because it has more apple than green tomato flavor. 

 …and…green tomato pickles. This recipe was described as being “not as sweet as a bread and butter pickle” but I wanted the bread and butter flavor, so I compared it to some other traditional cucumber bread and butter pickles.  The difference was an equal amount of brown sugar, so I added that. I also just used an equivalent measurement of prepared pickling spices, since I had them on hand, instead of the individual spices.  The results are excellent.

 

…and what to do with the tomatoes and peppers that actually ripened?  I had lots, so I made this recipe.  

Roasted Tomato/Sweet Pepper Bisque

3 sweet banana peppers

2 sweet peppers

6-7 medium-sized ripe tomatoes

Olive oil

2 cloves garlic

½ medium onion

1 T. balsamic vinegar

Salt and pepper to taste

Peel papery skin from garlic cloves, wrap cloves in foil with a tsp. of water and place on over rack to roast while preparing peppers and tomatoes.

Cover a large baking sheet with aluminum foil.  Place peppers on foil and broil about 4-5 inches from heat, turning as skin blisters and browns.  When all sides are brown, put peppers in a paper bag and fold down top to hold in steam.  Once peppers are cool, remove skin, cut in strips and remove seeds. Meanwhile, cut tomatoes into quarters and remove seeds. Cut onion into wedges. Toss both tomatoes and onion with 1 T. olive oil, salt and pepper to taste. Spread mixture on foil-lined baking sheet and roast at 400 degrees, for about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. When tomatoes start to brown, remove from heat and allow to cool slightly.

Place pepper strips in a blender with about ½ c. vegetable broth.  Blend until pureed, adding more broth if needed.  Squeeze roasted garlic cloves into mixture and blend. When tomatoes are cool, add to pepper mixture in blender and blend until smooth, adding salt and balsamic vinegar.  Add more broth to bring soup to consistency of bisque. Warm soup in microwave to serving temperature.

Running on empty

All the research shows that regular exercise is one of the keys to living a long and healthy life. A recent CDC study found that people who practice four behaviors: eating healthy, maintaining healthy BMI, exercising regularly, and not smoking were 80% less likely to have any major chronic disease. 80% less chance of having diabetes or heart disease.  Exercise is found to have mental health benefits, too, fighting depression and stress.

Our first half - Missoula 2007

Being one of the least coordinated people I know, I find walking and running* to be my exercise of choice.  No complicated or expensive equipment, other than good athletic shoes, and the instructions are simple:  right…left…repeat until you can’t breathe any more. Of course, this simplicity also means running is boring. Unless you are a Zen master or Secretariat, the monotony will eventually win.  A good way to overcome the repetitiousness of running is to have a partner or group to run with.  Having a goals also helps maintain motivation.  I frequently run with friends, and we participate in a variety of runs:  Bloomsday, the Hot Chocolate Run, Color Runs, and half marathons.  There really is nothing like having a 13.1 mile race on your calendar to motivate you to get out and run 2-3 times a   week.  

At the trade show for our most recent half, the Disneyland Half marathon, one speaker said “you run the first 5 miles of a half marathon with your head, you run the second 5 miles with your legs, and you run the last 3 miles with your heart.”  Personally, I find a running a half marathon is more like Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief and loss:

This year's runs - Missoula and Disneyland

1.  Denial – My first thoughts are “this isn’t really that bad.  It’s less than two Bloomsdays, and I’ve run about twenty of them– just not back to back.”  Also, I notice all the people around me who seem (to me) to be less fit than I am.  “If they can do this, so can I! “
2.   Anger – this is the stage when I blame my running partners for getting me into this mess.  I also spend a considerable amount of this stage mentally kicking myself for not training more, not losing those 10 pounds, and not treating my body like the temple I now wish it was. This starts about mile 4, when I remember how hard and sucky this is going to be.
3. Bargaining – at this point, I start to revise my expectations – I just want to finish, not PR.  If I can just beat that one chubby person ahead of me, I will be happy.  Next week, I’ll start eating right and training more.
4.  Depression – About mile 6 – 7.  I realize that the only way to get to the end is by continuing.  It’s now just as far to turn around and go back, so that’s not an option.  This is the point where I wish I’d worn the T-shirt that says “If found on the ground, please drag across the finish line.”
5.   Acceptance – Now I remember that I could walk 13.1 miles if I had to. I’ve done this before.  Also, after mile 7, I count backwards so that after each mile marker, the distance is shorter.  It’s a mind game, but oddly, it helps.

At the finish line, there’s always people cheering and yelling.  Some of them are my faster (now former) friends.  We celebrate together with Poweraid, trail mix, bananas and watermelon, whatever refueling snacks are provided.  Later there will be beer and more food – and no one will feel guilty about what they’re eating.

At the end of the day, it’s about going after a challenge and achieving it…and the friends….and the food. Oh yeah, and the medal.

All the bling - 11 half-marathons

*To be clear, I use the term “running” very loosely here –my running pace is nearly a shuffle and I alternate with frequent brisk walk breaks. I know people who walk faster than I “run”.