Crab Cakes Three Ways

In Eastern Washington, crab is expensive and seasonal and usually reserved for special occasions, like Christmas and New Years. It's a meal you have to work for, cracking shells and picking the meat out. 

Kevin and Paige enjoying crab

With crab cakes, someone else has done that work, and you pay a premium for that as well. Crab cakes are a special treat for an  inlander like me., 

My first encounter with crab cakes came when Jim and I and our son Kevin spent Thanksgiving in Seattle. We had decided to avoid the family issues around who would host the dinner and who would be invited. Instead we booked a hotel near the waterfront. I made dinner reservations at Cutters Restaurant. It was a wonderful meal, no cooking on my part, and we all ordered exactly what we wanted. My philosophy of dining out is to have something I wouldn't make myself, so I had the crab cakes and they were excellent. 

We spent that weekend walking around Pike Street Market and the waterfront. It was a wonderful family time for the three of us. It's one of my favorite memories. 

The second crab cake episode came last September. It was the weekend of Jim's birthday, and Kevin and I had agreed to spend it together. I flew to Seattle, and we decided to go to a fancy seafood restaurant as our "revenge" against Jim's not being with us. It was a way of responding to our loss with irony and gentle anger -- processing our disbelief that he would never celebrate another birthday with us. We went to Etta's down on the water. Again, the crab cakes were excellent, and the bill would have made Jim's eyes pop. It was a bittersweet dinner, filled with shared memories and the silences of our sadness.

Last weekend, Kevin came home to help with some projects around the house. I had a Dungeness crab in the freezer, a leftover from a family crab feed. I had thawed it to be eaten that weekend, and Kevin decided we should make crab cakes. I found Paula Deen's recipe on the Internet and we set about making it happen. Cooking is something I used to do with Jim, and I haven't done much for myself since he's been gone. The chopping and cracking that Jim would have done was now done by Kevin. We shared memories again, but this time the ache was more nostalgia than acute pain. Crab cakes are actually fairly simple, and again these were excellent. We now have a new memory to share, one that reflects the new realities of my life. 

Three different memories that reflect three stages of my life:  the old, comfortable, and stable one that I thought I would have for many more years; the life after loss, shattered and confused, trying to understand this new reality; and a life in transition toward our new reality. The new life is still unfolding, but it has hope and love in it; it's wrapped in healing that is beginning to integrate past, present, and future.

A Year of Firsts

Someone told me that the first year after the loss of a spouse is a series of “firsts.”  First Christmas without your loved one, first birthday, and so on.  Valentines’ Day would be near the top of that list, since it’s the holiday that celebrates love and relationships. 

Paying Attention

One of the most important things Jim taught his sons about successful relationships was “pay attention to what she likes.”  So for Valentines’ Day, I never got that big, bright red heart-shaped box all decked out in ribbons and lace, because that is not what I really liked.  Store-bought manufactured chocolates don’t qualify as “real chocolate” in my opinion.  The best chocolates are crafted with dedication and love.  Every year, I looked forward to a small, plain white box of handmade truffles that Jim had personally selected from the shop that made our wedding cake. That said “love” to me in a way that a big red heart never could.

It's All About the Laughter

Jim wasn't one for the grand gesture, but he always could make me laugh.  One year he excitedly presented me with jewelry-type box.  I opened it and found a small plastic soldier that had been painted turquoise.  "It's an aqua marine!" he said. Aquamarine was our son's birthstone. Later on, I got the real thing, but that silly plastic soldier is the gift I remember most.

 

No one will ever make me laugh like that, but that doesn’t mean I won’t laugh again.  When you are grieving, you are also surrounded by people who want to help, but aren’t sure what to do.  The best thing you can do for yourself, and for them, is to ask for what you need. 

New "Firsts"

Recently I asked for a Girl’s Movie Night with some dear friends.  We watched “Trainwreck” and howled at Amy Schumer’s raunchy humor.  Another weekend, I joined another group of friends for a quilting retreat.  Being surrounded by colorful fabrics and beautiful projects and loving support took most of the loneliness away.  I also knew that I could just go and sit quietly by myself if I needed to.  

Navigating the landmines of memory in the first year means creating new memories – different ones that are filled with love and laughter.  Love comes in many forms, and it is waiting for us to reach out and claim it. If you are struggling with a holiday, ask yourself “how can  I make this one special in a different way?” 

Life [and death] is what happens when you are busy making other plans

This rephrasing of John Lennon's famous quote summarizes what has happened in my life since I last posted here. You, my friends, already know this, but I wanted to share with you a little of what I've learned from my experience.

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It was a quiet summer Sunday afternoon.  Having read the Sunday paper, I was watching a golf tournament on TV and actually dozed off for a few minutes.  I woke up to Scout, our 10-year-old Labradoodle, woofing to go out.  I let him out and then, a few minutes later, checked on him because my husband Jim was working in the yard and I knew he'd left the gate open.  I looked out in the yard for Jim, and saw him lying face down near the pickup truck. My first thought was "oh, he's working on the sprinkler lines." Instantaneously came another thought and the first clue that my life was about change forever. "There aren't any sprinkler lines there. This is VERY bad!"  I grabbed my cell phone and ran to where he lay.

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Every person who is in a long-term relationship knows at some level of awareness that one of the two partners will outlive the other.  Jim and I were married for 26 years and expected to spend at least 20 more together.  We had retirement plans, dreams of living in the Colorado foothills near our grandchildren, visions of an active and happy old age together. But in a heartbeat, all those plans became meaningless. 

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I rolled Jim over, trying to start CPR, calling his name, slapping his face lightly, begging him to respond.  He didn’t look like himself because there was no life, no joy, no love in his face.  I could feel the door of our life together closing. I was shaking too hard to dial my cell phone, so I screamed for help and neighbors rushed into our yard. Pulling me away, they started CPR and called 911. It all felt like an out-of-body experience. I was watching this calmly but with a feeling of dread, knowing that, after this, nothing would ever be the same. In that moment, I felt hollow inside, having no sense of who I was or what would happen next. I was disconnected from the person I had been, and empty of the person I would become.

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In  the days that followed Jim’s death, I began to move from numbness to feeling. One of my strongest feelings was fear. I was terrified -- of our finances, of Jim's unfinished work as a builder and general contractor, of being alone. Grief counselor and writer, Christina Rasmussen, speaks of the fear associated with loss: "After loss, we perceive the entire world as dangerous because the amygdala [part of the brain that process sensory input] instantly compares new experiences with this trauma and what it means in your life." I felt like I had landed in a minefield with no clear path to safety. Besides the fear of all the knowns in my life, I was terrified of the unknown. If my life could change this quickly and unexpectedly, what other changes might be lurking ahead of me?

I have learned that this fear can be managed, that taking small steps and risks will re-train my protective neural patterns to trust life again. I also have learned from Christina's book that the life I have now is a preparation for the life I am constructing out of the remnants of the past.  This new life will unfold as I walk forward, taking gradual steps, simple but sustainable steps, on the path before me, the path to my future.

 

The Christmas Quandary

For years, I've made Christmas gifts for my friends.  It started in college with some of those very ‘70s macramé hanging candleholders and continued when I was single and had more time than money. It became a habit. 

 

 I'm a little ambivalent about this, because I had a grandmother who made some very nice, useful gifts and some pretty awful ones, (yes, I’m talking about you, macaroni-covered box).  Every year, it was a crapshoot as to what was in the package wrapped in her signature style of mismatched pieces of re-used paper and ribbon.

 I try to stay mainstream with my crafty gifting, mostly making quilts or knitted accessories, and my friends always seem pleased.  Rule one, no macramé or crocheted teacup planters. Pinterest has made all this seem more normal. I mean, if a couple million or so people are making wine-cork baskets and ornaments and who knows what else, it must be cool, right? 

This year, being very busy with work, I decided to give myself a pass and just buy all my gifts.  Lately, my crafting time has become compressed to a week between finals and Christmas, and the cursing coming from my sewing room has been noticed by other family members as being less than festive.

However, I'm really not a shopper.  I generally plan one trip to a couple of 'independent stores that I really like, and then retire to a stack of catalogs, my laptop, and a nice toddy to complete my shopping and let UPS/Fedex do the leg work.

 

That worked well this year, much less stress, but I found that once the shopping was out of the way, I missed the planning and creativity of making gifts.  So I thought to myself, ”maybe just a few, small handmade gifts." 

These seemed to exactly fit that description:  festive, holiday-themed pot holders.  Very fun to make, used up scraps of fabric I (mostly) already had, and could be combined with other things I had on hand, like holiday-themed kitchen utensils, in a basket. Who doesn’t need new potholders?  Not me, that’s for sure.

 I liked the way the Christmas potholders had a little hand-pocket, so I adapted that idea to some plain rectangular ones.  This is a fun way to try out different quilt block designs. 

 

This year, I'm going to focus on small projects that can be finished quickly--instant gratification and I can use up a lot of the fabric I have in my stash.  In the meantime, I still have one large project that is almost finished.  I'll post that when I'm done. 

When life gives you green tomatoes, make....

…chutney.  This is a recipe from the You Grow Girl blog.  I followed it faithfully, but the recipe came from a Canadian blogger and I think she has a different idea what constitutes a normal-sized apple. The recipe called for three.  I used Newtons and they were probably 4-5inches in diameter. The recipe made about 6 cups instead of 4.  I chickened out and only added ½ a jalapeño so it wasn’t all that spicy although I added about a tsp. of allspice.  It’s good but I would only use 2 apples next time because it has more apple than green tomato flavor. 

 …and…green tomato pickles. This recipe was described as being “not as sweet as a bread and butter pickle” but I wanted the bread and butter flavor, so I compared it to some other traditional cucumber bread and butter pickles.  The difference was an equal amount of brown sugar, so I added that. I also just used an equivalent measurement of prepared pickling spices, since I had them on hand, instead of the individual spices.  The results are excellent.

 

…and what to do with the tomatoes and peppers that actually ripened?  I had lots, so I made this recipe.  

Roasted Tomato/Sweet Pepper Bisque

3 sweet banana peppers

2 sweet peppers

6-7 medium-sized ripe tomatoes

Olive oil

2 cloves garlic

½ medium onion

1 T. balsamic vinegar

Salt and pepper to taste

Peel papery skin from garlic cloves, wrap cloves in foil with a tsp. of water and place on over rack to roast while preparing peppers and tomatoes.

Cover a large baking sheet with aluminum foil.  Place peppers on foil and broil about 4-5 inches from heat, turning as skin blisters and browns.  When all sides are brown, put peppers in a paper bag and fold down top to hold in steam.  Once peppers are cool, remove skin, cut in strips and remove seeds. Meanwhile, cut tomatoes into quarters and remove seeds. Cut onion into wedges. Toss both tomatoes and onion with 1 T. olive oil, salt and pepper to taste. Spread mixture on foil-lined baking sheet and roast at 400 degrees, for about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. When tomatoes start to brown, remove from heat and allow to cool slightly.

Place pepper strips in a blender with about ½ c. vegetable broth.  Blend until pureed, adding more broth if needed.  Squeeze roasted garlic cloves into mixture and blend. When tomatoes are cool, add to pepper mixture in blender and blend until smooth, adding salt and balsamic vinegar.  Add more broth to bring soup to consistency of bisque. Warm soup in microwave to serving temperature.